The Estonian version was published in October 2022 and won two Estonian book awards that year: People´s Choice and the Best Book by an Estonian Author. Besides those prizes, the book gave me something else I consider so important – an amazing amount of feedback from readers. I didn’t expect that at all, and I’m very grateful for it. Many of my readers urged me to have the book translated into English, considering how universal the subject matter was. I took their advice. Besides the fact that the story would appeal to general audiences, I have many personal friends and colleagues from outside Estonia who found themselves moved by our journey. The book has certainly changed my life – quite a lot. And I’m sure it will continue to so.
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I’m not a writer and I don’t consider myself a creative type. I haven’t ever kept a diary, blogged or written poetry. This book is my first. I wrote it because I was in pain. The worst pain imaginable. Now that I read it, I see that it’s about love. The love between me and Kristi Ojasaar, and the love our family and friends give us. The therapist I was seeing recommended writing. “Write, get it all out of your system.” When I hit rock bottom, I sat down at a computer and started. It was more like my emotions were commanding my fingers to tap out the letters on the keyboard. My brain wasn’t involved. I didn’t let it get involved. It all came directly from the source of the pain. Raw and honest. Maybe it’s too raw. I guess I should warn readers in advance.
At some point in the writing process, I shared it with some people who are important in my life, and they said I ought to get it published. Maybe it’ll help someone, even if one person gets something from it. Maybe I can draw attention to topics that in the past were taboo? Maybe even more people will get some benefit from it? If I don’t write Kristi’s story, who will? Nothing changes if you don’t do something yourself. There’s a lot I have lost in my life to this point. A big piece of myself, my soul, my heart, my life. My children lost the person who brought them into this world and showed them the way. Has it been hard? It sure has. Will it get easier? I think it will. “Time heals all wounds”: it seems so perverse to think that something so bad could ever heal. But, I have to admit, it does seem that for good or for bad, it does work that way. Of course, no one knows how time will treat us from this point on. What’s important is that life goes on, and there’s a lot more I have to be responsible for, a lot more to experience on this green earth.
I’m incredibly grateful for the 18 years Kristi and I had together, and for our three kids. I love you and miss you, my dear Kristi!